And · someday, · maybe. · Who · knows, · baby

..
last time i came to new york was in the spring of 2005. i remember i really liked a boy and i thought he liked me, then i got home and he had gotten back together with his ex girlfriend. boooo.

New York City is a big advertisement for itself. And the people who live in it are all caricatures of themselves. But I love it.

i'm going to new york in an hour and a half. so much for getting any sleep tonight. i don't remember how time changes work, but i feel like its "so much for sleeping ever"

i keep having dreams about my dog who passed away about 5 years ago. in my dreams he's alive and i am telling him that if he ever dies he should come back and visit me as a spirit. weird? i miss him so much.

all the dogs in my life are really really amazing. i would like to have my own puppy someday soon (in the next few years). maybe one of these http://www.blackicekennels.com/images/New_Folder/faith.jpg (like rocky) .... or THESEEEE http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/images12/AlaskanKleeKaiKaia1.JPG (which is like a siberian husky but LITTLE)

i will update from the big apple. the next few hours are going to suck. sleeeep purgurtorryyyyyy'

i was in the solstice parade yesterday. the creator of a giant inflated comet with hula hoop trapeze artists inside of it complimented ME on my creation of "true art". i took that as quite the compliment.
i have not been exploring this world of internet so often lately. not having a car seems to have thrown me back about 30 years when it comes to technology. i rarely use or bring my cell phone places, and i haven't even thought about the internet. my inbox must be overflowing.
i have done a lot of bicycling, reading, and daydreaming though.
L.A. Confidential magazine ACTUALLY succeeds in making me yearn for the city. and i didn't before.
back to the hissing of summer lawns, and a journey a few miles North for some smoke and culture schock. cheerio!!

my past would either go away forever, or come live with me and play with me everyday. instead it just haunts me and makes me cry into my wine and makes me think maybe i'm doing it all wrong.

sometimes i long for the good old days, before everything went down the shitter. but then i realize i was probably thinking the same thing then. last year wasn't much better than this one, and six months ago was a different universe. the good old days...ha!
i think its been downhill since day 1.
the good thing about downhill is that its way easier than uphill.

today was pretty cool

my daddy surprised me with a really nice bike when we went downtown. its a retro glider. ooooh. so i basically am gangster with a chromed out bike. yeeh
i rode it from downtown to the harbor and sat on the boat for a while drinking some rumskies out of my new flask (thanks sean, will, junno, and shea!). mariss and david met me down there, then thomas showed up with sammy the hound and. a giant box!
inside the box was a beautiful martin acoustic guitar that looks and sounds like angels mixed with frosting. what a wonderful present.
chef karims is the creepiest place ever. i felt very uncomfortable being handed a wad of ones from tessa's dad and being instructed to put them in the bellydancers bra. uhh no thanks.

i woke up this morning with an urge to listen to the song :one toke over the line". i dont really even like that song, but i listened to it about 6 times today. somehow it must be fitting for my 20th birthday.
i dont really want to go to big sur tomorrow because i am lazy and dont want to drive. but i probably will.

also, i just got home from 99.9 ktyd rock n bowl. it just took me a few minutes to spell bowl right. ahh. i suck at bowling. tom is pretty impressive though. we bought about 10 scratchers and won 3 bucks from one of them, then spent that three bucks buying another scratcher to lose.

sittin downtown at a railway station, one toke over the line

i'm going to watch the sunrise in about 20 minutes. i already see it coming through my blinds.
i don't know why i woke up. i was sleeping on the couch downstairs. the republican debate was apparently so boring that i passed out early. i woke up uncomfortable, came up here and looked on craigslist for about an hour. now the suns already up so theres no use in going back to sleep.
maybe i'll just have a very very early day. my birthday is tomorrow. you don't have to care, its just an observation.
20 years old! hooray! and in a few more days i will get my drivers license taken away. 20 going on 16
this is not a complaint. i don't care about cars anymore. or getting places. i know i'll get where i wanna go, it doesn't matter what the dmv says. the dmv is an irrelevant organization.. to my life.
i'm gonna start right now. and try not to let anymore mornings pass me by. grab 'em!

this morning sucked. i thought i was going to wake up early and take sammy to the beach. all i wanted was to take the goddamn dog to the beach, but thomas never brought him here, then i had a million dreams about talking to him at different times and us getting in fights about why the dog wasn't here. ugh. now he's maybe coming here. i am so confused, i am hungover from stone. i also had the most awkward retarded experiences last night. do i like any of my "friends"?
all i wanted to do today was go be a degenerate with caroline. alas, i have now gotten such a late start that we might not have nearly enough hours to become fully retarded. my transformation shall be put off to another day. UHHHHHHHH the dog barfed in my car yesterday twice. thats all. k byebye

i got two jobs

one is retail and one is better. but they will equal a few hundred dollars a week so thats nice.

i think im gonna watch a southpark and then go to sleep. tvlinks is better than youtube.

signed up for fall classes yesterday. i am taking two history classes and two art classes. i am prepared to learn from and enjjoy school more than ever in fall.

i'm playing a show in goleta this saturday, so everyone who is reading this who can should come by.
details are on my myspace.

la dee da dee da

i wrote two new songs.
i am learning to play a song by christophe, its called "sleep income". something about hearing him play it made me want to adopt it.
this morning, in a half-sleep, i responded to my sister saying, "Lauren, I wrote a really good essay last night" with, "Is it about Joni Mitchell?" . what.

i got a job yesterday.
i'm trying to get another one today.
i have an interview, but i don't know if i can straighten out the rats nest that is my hair and find something to wear that doesn't have holes in it.

i want to go to the beach . and clean my room. and clean my hair.

jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj. i don't even touch the j key and it goes crazy. jjjjjjjjj. laptops.

all men are false, says my mother. theyll tell you wicked lovin lies. and very next evening theyll court another. leave you alone to pine and sigh
my daddy hes a handsome devil, hes got a chain five miles long, and on every link a heart does dangle, of another maid hes loved and wronged

I am becoming one of those people that needs music to fall asleep. Also, possibly one that needs to smoke a bowl. This saddens me in a way. The music is alright, but its only a few things I can comfortably listen to.
The last few days I've been listening to "Animals" jjust because I have previously proclaimed it to be my favorite album, and I had to make sure that was true. I've also gone to a deeper (possibly unnecessary) level of analyzing it, thus deciding to re-read "Animal Farm". Why do they have us read it at such a young age? I feel like most people didn't understand that book in any way.. I almost did.
Last night I listened to "Tommy" which I thought would be soothing in the same way Animals was. It wasn't for the first half because I felt tense and still couldn't go to sleep, but that could just be because 1. i left the christmas lights on over my bed 2/ i was stressing out about my terrible self portrait or 3. i was having allergies because tiffany is sleeping right next to me. Anyway, I am re-listening to the second half of Tommy right now. The nostalgia is overwhelming.
Other things I like to listen to before sleeping are a mix Kaley gave me called Sunrise. I guess its from a compilation set called Beachlife. And this is Volume 1... It starts out with a mixed version of Jackson 5 doing "Ain't No Sunshine" and then continues into a 45 or so minute long groove of ridiculousness including a really great cover of "Breathe" by Pink Floyd and a song called "Mi Novela Biografica" by a band called Le Mans.
Every night for about a month I listened to a playlist of Dylan songs that I put together, that one is perfect for sleeping but since last.fm took over my life I have stopped playing it since my top played songs were dominated by Dylan. Why did I care? Why do I still?
from you i get opinions, from you i get the story
I remember once I listened to the Overture of Tommy 3 times in a row without realizing it was on repeat.
My finals are done tomorrow and I can't wait. Its interesting to have entire weeks free, not just the weeekends. I'm thinking of running up to Berkeley for Daniel Hirt's graduation. Maybe spending a day in San Francisco and a day in Santa Cruz. Hell, I'll even drive across to Marin and dig Annie out of her home. Real cali, mILL VALLEY.
Kill me, I miss the Bay.

I have a final today but I have no idea when or where it is... And I have not studied. I figure this is the path the success. I also have a self portrait to do. Self portraits are the worst, I always either make myself look like an anime character (eyes too big) or like an older version of me (too much shading on the skin tone). I am probably going to have to ask for the advice of a more skilled artist to help me later today, which might result in weirdness and other things.
My kitchen is a fucking mess right now. It was so immaculately clean all weekend, and then last night a bottle of Jack Daniels appeared with a bow on it, and then two cases of beer for Tom's birthday. Then there was the bong-a-beer or whatever someone called it (A "nagger-rigged" homemade bong which attaches to the top of a beer bottle) and that was the end of me. I came to my room and listened to Animals and fell half asleep. And when I woke up about half an hour ago I realized all my lights were still on. Point of the story is that I have to clean up a mess of birthday cake, beer, and cigarette butts right now and I'm not happy about it.
Tiffany is sleeping next to me in a little ball. She is undeniably adorable. JJust don't look at her face too close up.
I watched a program about Hippies last night on the History Channel. It was nothing I hadn't seen before, and they didn't have any licensed music so it wass all bad versions of good songs, but it still gave me a little San Francisco itch i hadn't felt in a while. I love that city, I just can't decide what's there for me right now.
What other books did Aldus Huxley write?

I am now going to get dressed, feed the puppy dog, and start battling the army that is.. my kitchen

i'm going to take a nice walk around the block
and not go to my film class because i have seen blue velvet at least five times.
and not go do anything useful, just something interesting and anti-climactic

I've reached german expressionism. and the 20th century which is filled with "art" disguised as art disguised as "art".
I think we would have been perfect for each other in a cabin in big sur for a week but now i'm protected. like an endangered species.
I thought I had some Ansel Adams prints in my garage, but when i went to look all i could find was film, my bicycle (now covered in spiders webs) and my grandfather's entire house. Maybe I imagined the prints, but I swear there was an Edward Weston as well.

Now I'm imagining myself in a horse fair when I'm really in a creaky bed ontop of a dirty carpet next to some dusty blinds that are hiding an abandoned patio. why do i get the feeling i live in a haunted house?